I am here to let you know that I am struggling. Not sure if it's the weather, the fact that we are now empty nesters, the fact that my closest friends are dealing with struggles of their own, or maybe just a combination of everything. But, I'm feeling extremely rundown... BLUE. I feel blue. No ambition to do anything. If I could, I'd sleep all day. It makes me feel weak. I should be stronger. I need to promote, I need to write, I need to make swag for upcoming book signings. I need to do those things, but I find myself playing games on my phone or scrolling Facebook. Some days have been better than others and I've accomplished a few things. But, in general, life has sucked.
And, each day I take one step at a time. And, I feel worthless. Then, I yell at myself because I shouldn't feel that way. I yell at myself for not getting enough done. And, the cycle begins again. But, you see, I'm not worthless, I'm just in need of a break. In need of some down time. Then, the guilt sets in. My husband doesn't get down time. He has to get up and go to work every week day. Then, he often works on the weekends, too. He's struggling, too. But, he doesn't get a break, so why should I?
What is it with the world today? Why are we all so full of anxiety? Why do we fight depression? Shouldn't we be happy. We have a roof over our heads and food in the kitchen. Our children our healthy and doing well. So, what do we have to be sad about? Or, stressed about?
But, that's the funny thing about mental illness. Mental distress. There is really no rhyme or reason. There is just it. No one deals with life the same. One persons happiness is another's sadness. Therefore, there is no catch-all treatment. It is trial and error. Pills, changes of scenery, feng shui, chakras, colors, foods, and everything in between.
I'm sharing this because I want you to know... if you are struggling too... you are not alone. You are strong, you are amazing, you are beautiful. And, don't be afraid to ask someone for a shoulder to lean on or to take some time for yourself. Not taking care of yourself because you worry about others isn't going to help them in the long run. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be the best you that you can be. Being sad, stressed, anxious, depressed, rundown, tired -- none of these things make you weak. Be you. Be a Badass. Accept yourself, embrace your flaws. <3
In recent months I've been looking for more holistic and natural ways to help my anxiety and depression. I highly believe in the power of colors and the idea of surrounding yourself with good vibes. A friend recently recommended that I might try having more yellow in my life. I bought yellow swags for my windows and guess what... every time I look at them, they make me smile. The sunny shade just makes my heart happy. I even feel my heart jump in my chest at the sight.
Of course, nothing has ever seemed to work at a 100% success rate. I still have my down days and yesterday was definitely one of them. Days like yesterday, I cannot create. My muse hides and I find myself simply wanting to sleep. Of course, I don't sleep. I try to push myself so that I keep to the schedule I've set for myself. Unfortunately, all it accomplishes is to create a very frustrated author with low self-esteem who feels like they can't accomplish anything.
Today is a better day -- even if the bathroom vanity door did fall off and hit me in the face. I'm okay and hoping I won't wake up tomorrow with hideous bruising. So far, so good on that front.
I wouldn't say I've accomplished all that much, but I did some swag work and made dinner. So that's a win. My plan now is to hunker down and get some words down. It's necessary. My muse is struggling to rise and the voices of my characters are screaming for their chances to speak. Yes, many authors are a bit off their rockers and we do have other people living in our heads.
If you follow me at all, you know that I struggle day to day with anxiety, depression, etc. So many deal with these same difficulties every day. My heart goes out to them and I hope that someone is there to support them and hold them up when they are at their lowest.
One of the reasons I am a full-time author is because these issues made it difficult for me to continue going to my full-time job as a technical writer. The drive was at least an hour each way, then I had to drop off and pick up my kids from school/daycare on most days, rush my daughter to her many activities, doctors' appointments for my son and I, and so much more that it felt as if I was constantly on the road. I got to the point I couldn't drive without having some sort of panic attack/ anxiety issue. Those first few years I couldn't drive anywhere. Someone always had to drive me and I would occupy myself on my phone to prevent any thoughts about being in a car on the road. I'd still drive on occasion, but only into our local town for my appointments or for the kids. Time went on and my daughter got her license, then my son, then they both eventually grew up and moved out (my son just last month). Now, it feels as if I'm a hermit. Mr. Reuel and I both work from home and typically only go out if we need something in town. If we could have everything delivered, we'd probably never leave the house. I worry that we've become too insulated from the world.
Thankfully, however, I became an author which requires me to spend hours upon hours online connecting with others. Because of being an author I also have traveled to many places I never would have because of book signings. I'm forced into the light of day. (Insert scared laughter here.)
So, here I am. Needing to write a blog post and my mind is blank. What do I do, but sit at my computer day in and day out and try to build a reader-base so I can sell enough books to make some sort of living? I push past my social anxiety, my shyness, and so much more everyday that by the end of each day I'm exhausted and drained. I have a few rays of sunshine (my husband, my children, my BFFs) but it's sometimes hard to bask in the sunshine when you're so exhausted.
So, what do I hate most? Well, I hate how I can't seem to keep on a schedule, I hate how whenever I want to write I more often than not deal with a mental health issue and want to go to sleep, I hate that after five years I still haven't built a reader-base large enough to make decent money off of a release. Truth be told, I don't even make enough to support my fancy coffee habit and I only have one of those a week. There are days when I wonder why I continue.
Today is one of those days.
#authorlife #authorconfessions #therealme #anxiety #depression #unbiologicalsisters #partnersincrime
Josette Reuel is an avid reader of many different genres - her passion is mostly Sci-fi and Paranormal, especially Romance, but she also read's contemporaries, historicals, and much more.
I'm always pretending that I'm sitting across from somebody. I'm telling them a story, and I don't want them to get up until it's finished.